How to use an Indian toilet

Posted on Chowrangi.com on September 12, 2010  

With the Commonwealth Games in Delhi fast approaching, foreigners should know how to use Indian toilets (assuming they can find a few).

First thing to remember is that Indians don’t use paper at all to clean themselves after defecating. The second thing is that they use their left hands to wash, so it’s OK to shake the right hand of any Indian you meet (the right hand is not used to clean the rear end).

To use the Indian toilet, you have to squat on it in the right position. It is important that you squat so that what comes out of your body falls into the hole. There is a bucket of water and a pot nearby. After you have finished your business on the toilet, you fill the pot with water and clean yourself with it, using (as I said before) your left hand. It’s important that you use the left hand, because Indians eat with their right hands and no one likes to shake a hand that has been used to remove shit from the body . Then you use soap and water to clean your left hand (assuming that the soap hasn’t been stolen). If you can’t find soap, wash thoroughly with water, then go to someplace where there is soap.

Shakir Lakhani

Why do Pakistanis have two Eids every year?

Posted on Chowrangi.com on September 12, 2010 

For some reason, a cleric in Qasim Masjid in Peshawar has been able to collect about twenty men (having remarkably good eyesight) who claim they saw the moon, when it wasn’t there. This has been going on for over fifty years. I was in Peshawar in 1973, and saw even Eid-al-Azha being observed on two days (the same thing will happen this year).

Can anyone explain how a few people saw the moon when all scientific calculations said it wouldn’t be there? And why it happens every year? I thought this idiosyncrasy would disappear after renaming the province, but apparently it didn’t work. These illiterate clerics simply can’t accept the fact that the sighting of the moon can be predicted accurately (just like solar and lunar eclipses). A lunar calendar (known as the Egyptian calendar) has been in use for 1400 years, and it usually coincides with the actual moon sighting in Makkah every month. Why can’t we use this calendar and dissolve the useless Ruet-e-Hilal committees and save a lot of money?

Shakir Lakhani

NewDelhi-Metallo-1 (NDM-1)- India’s latest gift to the world!

Posted on Chowrangi.com on August 16, 2010 

As if the world wasn’t already threatened by global warming, floods and earthquakes, a new enemy has appeared on the horizon. The superbug known as New Delhi metallo-beta-lactamase-1 (NDM-1). This virus is resistant to even the most powerful antibiotics known, the class of antibiotics known as Carbapenems which are reserved for use when all other antibiotics have failed.

"The bacteria was named NDM-1 because the original patient who was investigated had flown back to Sweden from India with the infection. It was known that the origin of the infection was India and not Sweden. (It was) in the tradition of naming these types of bacteria after the city of origin", Prof Timothy R Walsh of Cardiff University told the Indian Express.

What we should expect, during the next few years, are millions of deaths of innocent people, all because of poor sanitation in New Delhi hospitals (unless doctors are able to develop another antibiotic to meet the threat from the Indian superbug).

Shakir Lakhani

Most Indian Muslims can't open bank accounts!

Posted on Chowrangi.com on July 30, 2010 

Muslims in India are treated worse than Dalits. They are widely perceived as being pro-Pakistani and supporters of self-determination for the people of Kashmir. So it’s not surprising to hear that Indian banks are denying banking facilities to most Indian Muslims.

According to The Hindu, Indian banks have designated those areas where Muslims are in the majority as “red zones”, and these localities are not provided banking facilities. Muslim students who have won scholarships and live in the red zones find they cannot open bank accounts.

It seems that Muslims are more discriminated against in India than blacks in the U.S. This is the real face of Indian democracy!

Shakir Lakhani

Fatwa on music results in hacking of website

Posted on Chowrangi.com on July 2, 2010 

Sheikh Adil Al-Kalbani was the first black man appointed as the imam of the Grand Mosque (the holy Kaaba) in Makkah. He was very popular for his unique recitation style and had millions of admirers round the world. However, after he declared that music is not “haraam” (forbidden), he was sacked by the government and his website was hacked.

Of course, the reaction was to be expected. Most Muslims have been told by illiterate mullahs that listening to music is a great sin, although there is nothing in the Holy Koran to prove it. Sheikh Adil Al-Kalbani merely said what is self-evident.

All modern research shows that music is beneficial for the human mind and is used to help people suffering from depression, Parkinson’s disease and other ailments. I hope that all Muslims will one day accept this fact.

Shakir Lakhani

A fatwa to end all fatwas

Posted on Chowrangi.com on May 13, 2010 

During and after my recent angioplasty in hospital, I was surrounded by cheerful female nurses and both male and female doctors. In fact, the angioplasty was carried out under the supervision of a confident and smartly dressed female cardiologist (who is head of the cardiac unit in one of the city’s major hospitals).

Suddenly, on my fourth day at the hospital, I almost died of shock when I woke up to find a tall, slim woman doctor completely covered in black from head to toe (with only a slit for the eyes to see), peering at my semi-naked body. I thought I had passed away and gone to some place where all virgins are dressed like that. Then she introduced herself. I wanted to ask her what the hell she was doing, touching the body of a male patient, when women dressed like her should not come within five feet of a male stranger. Mercifully, the male doctor who was her boss sensed how I felt and asked her to leave.

I refer to this incident because the Deobandi Ulema in India have issued a fatwa to end all fatwas: “Women should not work alongside men, and if they do, they should be completely veiled”. I didn’t know there were people like that in India, but apparently there are.

With women advancing in every field, and Pakistan itself having female army officers and air force pilots, here are some nuts trying to attract attention to themselves by issuing strange edicts which everyone will ignore.

I won’t say much, except that when you force half the population to look like black ninjas, you can’t progress at all.

Shakir Lakhani

Changing names to improve health

Posted on Chowrangi.com on February 15, 2010 

The people of Pakistan and India are very superstitious, perhaps because of the high poverty and illiteracy in the two countries. I have met many people who think a black cat crossing your path means that you will probably have a very bad day. As for superstitions about the solar and lunar eclipses, the less said the better. Normally, women who belong to superstitious families are not allowed to go out of their houses unless they require urgent immediate medical treatment. When there is a solar or lunar eclipse, even a woman who is in a critical condition is locked up even if she’s in danger of dying.

But there is one piece of superstition which I can’t understand. Why do some mullahs and scholars advise people to change the names of children who’re not well or who’re hyperactive? I remember a little girl years ago (the daughter of distant relatives) whose name was changed so that she’d get better. Of course the name change had no effect on her health. Then there was a certain scholar associated with the Binnoria mosque in Karachi who advised his followers not to give the name “Aasia” to their daughters. He said families who named their daughters Aasia were always unlucky.

I wonder if those who regularly comment on black magic can say something about changing names to make people lucky or healthy.

Shakir Lakhani

Over 1700 Christians converted to Hinduism in India!

Posted on Chowrangi.com on February 3, 2010  

In “secular” India, 1,747 tribal Christians were recently re-converted to Hinduism. As reported in the Times of India, “The camp to reconvert tribals, who had embraced Christianity was held in the city for the first time and nearly 5,000 people from Maharashtra and Gujarat participated in the ceremony.”

Events like these are unique to modern India where many in the vast Hindu majority (80 percent of the population) cannot digest the fact that people want to convert to other religions (despite the professed secularism of the country’s constitution).

Sometimes I wonder how people of other religions have managed to survive in India. Burning of Christian churches was a matter of routine until recently in Orissa, while Muslims of course are killed for the sheer pleasure it gives the Hindu fundamentalists. Bal Thackeray, the politician who has a stranglehold on Mumbai, is known for his terrible hatred of Muslims. He has threatened to attack Pakistani cricketers and to disrupt matches if they are allowed to play in matches held in Mumbai. And of course, the Supreme Court of India cannot do anything to him despite his threats to disturb peace. And neither can the “independent” Election Commission of India prevent him and others like him from standing in elections.

Shakir Lakhani

Sacrificing black goats to save your skin!

Posted on Chowrangi.com on January 31, 2010

When I ran a salt factory, I would always wonder why my illiterate workers would advise me to sacrifice a goat whenever business was bad. And it was no use trying to convince them that there was no connection between the killing of an animal and market forces. And even after we had killed the goat and distributed its meat, nothing would come out of it. The business would recover only after stocks in the market ran out.

But why does the President of Pakistan have to regularly sacrifice black goats to strengthen his position? He at least is not illiterate. And why should it be a black goat?

I always thought black was associated with bad luck. Maybe those who talk regularly about black magic can shed some light on this. But in the meantime, I think it would be a good idea for farmers to buy all the black goats in the market and sell them to superstitious people later at a fat profit. Or maybe they can breed black goats. Or even sell goats painted with thick black paint.

 Shakir Lakhani

Will Pakistan and India always be rivals?

Posted on Chowrangi.com on January 26, 2010 

Indians and Pakistanis have been rivals ever since partition in 1947. By Indian of course I mean the North Indian Hindu who reacts to all Pakistanis as if they’re collectively responsible for all the rapes which have taken place in India since time began. South Indian Hindus are definitely more cultured and civilized than their northern counterparts. I don’t know the reason for this, although I believe they are the original inhabitants of the subcontinent.

If it hadn’t been for the waves of Aryan (and later Muslim) invasions from Central Asia, the demographics of the region would have been different. Pakistanis (being almost entirely Muslim) are hostile towards Indian Hindus because the latter are responsible for most of the problems they face. It all started with the invasion of Kashmir, Junagadh and Hyderabad. The ruler of Junagadh wanted to join Pakistan, while the ruler of Hyderabad (a country the size of France) wanted independence from India. In Kashmir, the Hindu ruler wanted independence, but seeing that the people wanted to join Pakistan, he invited India to save his skin (later it turned out that he signed the instrument of accession to India after Indian forces entered his palace).

Since these historical blunders by India (which has never really accepted the reality of Pakistan), there has been no peace in the subcontinent. In 1971, India invaded East Pakistan and succeeded in dismembering the country. In this, of course, India was ably assisted by the late Z. A. Bhutto, who later nationalized industry and education, and is today thought by many in Pakistan to have been an Indian agent. Both Pakistanis and Indians now regard each other as arch-villains and it will take decades (if ever) for them to live like good neighbours.

Shakir Lakhani

A Saudi woman demands Polyandry

Posted on Chowrangi.com on December 27, 2009 

Years ago, I read about someone asking Imam Abu Hanifa about why a woman was not allowed to have more than one husband. He asked his daughter (Hanifa) and she is reported to have said, “If she has more than one husband, how can anyone explain whose child it is that she has borne?” So the great Imam (who is followed by most Sunni Muslims) explained that this was the reason why Islam forbade a woman to be married to more than one man. Now a Saudi woman in Egypt has asked why polyandry (the custom of women having more than one husband) should not be allowed, since DNA testing is now easily available to determine parenthood.

Most people may not be aware that polyandry has been practiced in many places throughout history. It is still the custom for a woman to have more than one husband in certain parts of Tibet, Nepal, Bhutan and even in India. No one knows why the practice originated, although it may have been found necessary in societies where the number of men outnumbered the women. In Pakistan today, for instance, there are 106 men for every 100 women, which means that half a million Pakistani males will never be able to marry (unless they marry men or go to other countries to find marriage partners). In the Middle East (particularly the U.A.E.), the number of men in most countries is much more than the number of women.

What would happen if a mysterious disease struck women only and there would be only one woman for two men? I know that the Abrahamic religions (to which Islam belongs) strictly forbid polyandry. Would the priests, rabbis and mullahs then get together and allow women to have more than one husband?

Shakir Lakhani

White magic

Posted on Chowrangi.com

Not many people in Pakistan know that there is such a thing as white magic. This is because most Pakistanis (and Indians, for that matter) are always complaining that they’re victims of black magic (which only exists in their minds). It’s so easy to blame others for doing black magic on you when you are incompetent and just plain lazy. However, although people suffering from black magic can be cured (since what they’re suffering from is not black magic but depression), there is no known cure for white magic.

How can you tell if someone has done white magic on you? Let’s say that normally you’re grouchy and irritable and no one likes to have you around. Suddenly, without any reason, you wake up one day with a smile on your face. You feel younger than your age by ten years. You want to sing and dance listen to music, although you gave up singing and dancing and listening to music when people suffering from black magic told you it’s a sure way of going to hell after you die. You want to smile at everyone. You actually give a hundred rupee note to each of the five beggars in the parking lot. You even smile at your assistants in the office. Your office staff think you’ve found a girl friend. Your wife thinks you’ve gone mad. If you have these symptoms, sure as hell someone has done white magic on you. This is dangerous. Don’t just sit there, feeling cheerful and happy. Don’t you know that happiness is unnatural? Those who’re happy are never able to achieve much in life. They’ll always remain juniors. People will never take you seriously if you’re always cheerful. Start scowling immediately. Look at yourself in the mirror. Frown. Scowl. Groan. Now you’re beginning to feel like your old, normal self again. You’ve already won half the battle. Start yelling again. Make all your subordinates think they’ll be fired before the day is over. Tell your secretary to take a bath. There, feel better? That’s the way to go, man!

Just remember, white magic can kill. One man hadn’t spoken to his wife for a year. When someone did white magic on him, he tried to kiss her. The poor woman died of shock. Another gave a check for a million to a charitable organization. The check bounced because there were only a thousand rupees in his account. He was arrested and sentenced for fraud. That’s why it’s better to get rid of white magic immediately. You don’t have to go to any scholars or experts, you can do it yourself free of cost.

Why are Muslims so cruel to animals?

Posted on Chowrangi.com on August 25, 2009   

Why are Muslims so cruel to animals? What does a Muslim do when he sees a dog? He picks up a stone and throws it at the poor creature. I once owned a salt works in the coastal area of Karachi. There was plenty of wild life there in 1978, but a few years later, most of it had disappeared. I remember large lizards (more than three feet in length) and coloured snakes, all which had been wiped out by humans before 1991 (when I left the salt trade). One day I came across a worker trying to kill a chameleon. “Why do you want to kill it. What harm has he done to you?” I asked. “Why does he keep changing colours?” the man retorted. I managed to convince him not to kill the poor creature, but I know that the minute I left the place, he went ahead and killed it anyway. Back in 2003, when I went to live in Block 5 of Clifton, a couple of dogs in the street outside the apartment complex became very friendly with me. They would accompany us whenever I and my wife went for a walk. Maybe they thought I cared about animals because apparently I was the only one who hadn’t tried to hit them with stones. The watchmen at the gate would be appalled when they saw me petting the dogs (who, according to their primitive way of thinking, are unclean creatures). A few days later, the dogs disappeared. Someone had shot the dogs, said the guards. I am fairly certain it was one of them.

I know there is a Hadith about angels staying away from houses where dogs are kept, but no one knew this when I was growing up. We had a couple of dogs, as well as exotic birds and peacocks (which we kept in a large cage). And I knew many other families who also kept dogs as pets. I have also heard another Hadith about a prostitute going straight to heaven because she fed a hungry dog, but apparently this one is ignored by Muslims. In Saudi Arabia, the only dog I saw was one being taken for a walk by an American (in Jeddah). In practically all countries where Muslims live, no one cares for animals.

http://www.chowrangi.pk/why-are-muslims-so-cruel-to-animals.html 

Shakespeare causes tussle in Punjab Assembly

Posted on Chowrangi.com

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According to a news item in DAWN (28th June, 2009), Sheikh Ala-ud-Din of PML-Q Forward Bloc on Saturday must have made history in the Punjab Assembly when he walked out of the house in protest against something that was never said. The offended MPA thought that his fellow parliamentarian Mohsin Leghari had insulted Lahore when he quoted from Shakespeare’s Julius Caeser. After that, Dr Asad Ashraf, another member of the assembly criticized Mr. Leghari for calling himself Caeser (which he hadn’t). Apparently the good doctor knew that the word caesarian (as in “caesarian section”) was derived from Caeser (who had been “ripped” from his mother’s womb). It’s good to know that there are politicians in this country who have heard of Shakespeare, leave alone quoting from his works. But then, Mr. Leghari apparently thought that all members of the Punjab Assembly are graduates in English Literature.

Shakir Lakhani

Child marriages in Pakistan

Posted on Chowrangi.com

The recent case of the forced marriage of an eight year old girl in Karachi (and the ones reported earlier) indicate that this custom is very common in the country, particularly in the rural areas. In the cities too, unless someone reports the incident to the police, the culprits are not punished. I remember the case of a thirty year old maid in my house whose husband was a drug addict and used to beat her up daily if she failed to give him money. Finally, she asked my wife for help, and we hired a female lawyer to help her get a divorce.

As soon as her husband received the divorce notice, he came with six armed persons to my house demanding that we hand the maid’s female children over to him. I asked him why he only wanted the female children, not the boys or the woman herself. He explained that he would get good money by giving the girls away in marriage (even though they were minors). When I told him that child marriage was against the laws of the country as well as un-Islamic, he shrugged and said that in his community it was very common. Apparently the mullahs in backward areas also don’t know anything about Islam.

Shakir Lakhani

This Indian hasn't bathed in 35 years

Posted on Chowrangi.com on May 21, 2009 

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I thought I’d seen everything. But now they’ve discovered an Indian who hasn’t had a bath in 35 years. His name is Kailash Kalau Singh, and his name might get into the Guinness Book of Records.

It seems some palmist or astrologer (there are millions in India) told him he should never bathe if he wanted to be the father of a boy. Unfortunately in his case it didn’t work. He is now the father of seven daughters, but no son. Funny thing is, his wife still lives with him. I don’t think a woman in any other country would have tolerated such a husband. He had to sell his grocery store because customers didn’t like his unhealthy personality (maybe they didn’t like the stink).

I wonder if by some miracle this man becomes the father of a boy, will all such Indians stop bathing until their wives too produce male children?

Shakir Lakhani

Purdah among Hindus

Posted on Chowrangi.com on May 18 2009

Muslims are not the only ones who observe purdah. Some Hindus also do it.

According to Jawed Naqvi (DAWN 9 Apr, 2009), the first Indian president (Rajendra Prasad) “was not allowed to see the face of his wife for the first several years he spent with her in his village in Bihar. A maid would accompany him to his wife’s room in the middle of the night, after everyone had gone to sleep. The hurricane lamp would then be blown out. Before dawn, Dr Prasad had to slip back into his bed with the rest of the family”.

This reminds me of the Arab tribe about which I wrote sometime back, where the men are not allowed to see the faces of their wives or other women in the family.

I wonder how a man would identify a female accident victim. But then, where they live, they probably don’t have roads or cars, but suppose such a man and his wife have gone to perform Haj, and his wife is killed during a stampede. How would he be able to identify his dead wife among several dead bodies?

Shakir Lakhani

An example of bad English

Posted on Chowrangi.com

Having studied in a missionary school in the fifties, when you could see Christians, Parsis, Hindus and even Jews living peacefully in Karachi, I was able to get a good education. So naturally it pains me whenever I see people writing something which is difficult to understand (I would like to add that many writers in Chowrangi also write atrocious English). In the Business Recorder of 15 February 2009, I read a letter from someone named Qurban Hussain of Karachi which makes no sense at all. It is reproduced below:

“In the politics of Pakistan countless people have suffered very much sacrificing their lives or sacrificing all sort of monetary resources for no fault of theirs. Your honour have been the victim too.

Looking to the politics in Pakistan, I request you to withdraw all your agitation for the things that happened with you, some relaxation to Pakistan and common people will come by doing so and all credit will go to your honour. Can your honour sacrifice this much for the sake of Pakistan and the people of Pakistan”.

Is the writer trying to say that newspapers should avoid printing bad news? How will “some relaxation come to Pakistan” if this is done? In any event, I don’t know why the editor printed this drivel. Perhaps the writer forced him to do so at gun point.

Shakir Lakhani

Talibanization of India

Posted on Chowrangi.com on January 27, 2009

Talibanization of India is continuing in full swing (by Hindu Taliban, not the Islamic ones). Activists of an organization calling itself Sri Ram Sena (SRS) raided a pub (bar) and thrashed boys and girls who were drinking and dancing merrily. Sri Ram Sena (SRS) founder Pramod Mutalik has said there is no need to raise a hue and cry about the Mangalore pub attack on women. The SRS believes that dancing and other “obscene” activities like holding fashion shows are against Hindu culture (apparently they’ve not seen the paintings of nude Hindu gods and goddesses in the caves near Bombay).

So Pakistanis can take some comfort from the fact that the extremists on the other side are not much different from those who’re out to lock all women in their houses and force all men to grow knee-length beards. Maybe Pakistan and India can get together and put the extremists in both countries on boats and settle them in one of those uninhabited islands in the Indian Ocean!

Shakir Lakhani

Manmohan Singh’s dilemma

Posted on Chowrangi.com

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Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is in for a tough time after the UK Foreign Secretary said that the Kashmir dispute needs to be resolved if terrorism is to be tackled effectively. I feel sorry for the Indian P.M. I’m not sure if Simi Garewal suggested to him that the UK should be carpet-bombed, but someone must have asked him why India should spend millions on sending a rocket to the moon if it can’t fire a few missiles to devastate Britain. For a few minutes he may even have thought that the ISI must have somehow influenced Mr. Miliband (in India, it is assumed that the ISI is involved if anything goes wrong). He’s probably wondering how the Israelis can get away with killing innocent people in Gaza, while India is told to find a political solution when it does the same thing.

In fact, Mr. Manmohan Singh may have desperately wanted to call the British P.M. and ask him to sack Miliband, but knowing that India is not yet a superpower, he refrained from doing so. And finally, even though fundamentalists like Bal Thackeray would have been delighted, he didn’t even consider snapping ties with England. Chidambaram and Pranab Mukherjee may think that all options are open to resolve the Miliband issue, but they are not saying anything for the moment. Just as well. India is beset with too many problems already, it can’t afford to have another one.