So you want a Kassai?

 Published in DAWN Magazine on April 25, 1999

What follows didn't happen, but it may well become the norm in a couple of years.    

Two weeks before Eid, a sweet voice on the phone tells you, "We have the best butchers in town. Register now, or your animals will have to wait another year before they go to their Maker."

You point out that the animals haven't yet arrived from the interior.

"Our men will help you select the best animals."

You tell her to call after ten days. 

"Don't hang up, sir. Our butchers are all graduates. We even have a few MBAs on our payroll."

This was interesting. "What'll I have to pay an MBA to slaughter a goat or cow?" you ask.

"Much lass than what our chartered accountant will take."

You didn't know the situation was that bad, so you say, "All right, send one over on Eid day. What'll I have to pay him?"

"Just a second sir, let me calculate. It'll be  ten thousand for a cow, five thousand for a goat, and fifteen for a camel."

You let out a yell that is heard in Quetta. 

"Maybe you'd like an MBA to do the job? You'll save 50 per cent, and 60 per cent if one of our engineers does it."

"For God's sake, can't you get me a real, genuine, red-blooded butcher who does nothing but carve up goats and cows every day?"

"This Eid is the only time when the real ones do any butchering, that's why you see all these jobless graduates doing their work."

By Shakir Lakhani

Wily Benazir

Published in the Friday Times on August 3-9, 2007

Sir, 

Benazir Bhutoo is up to her old tricks again. In a blatant effort to blackmail the General, she wants the government to act promptly and close a deal with her so that he can continue as president for another term. If there's one thing we know, it's that the two former prime ministers (Benazir Bhutto and Nawaz Sharif) will never be able to tackle the militants. They know how to do only one thing; enrich themselves and bleed the nation. The General should not fall into their trap. He should use all available options, including postponing the elections for a year.

Shakir Lakhani

Karachi

Remembering 5 July 1977

Practically everyone I knew hated Bhutto intensely. Perhaps it was because he was so arrogant. Or maybe because he had been responsible for the break-up of the country. Whatever the reason, we were greatly relieved when Zia overthrew him.

In the beginning, Zia had no intention of executing Bhutto. In fact, he treated the latter with great respect, but when Bhutto threatened Zia with dire consequences (like trying him under Art 6 for violating the Constitution), Zia began to look for ways to keep him out of power. He found one in the murder case against Bhutto filed by Ahmed Raza Kasuri. It was Bhutto's bad luck that he was convicted by four of the seven judges. Of course, in any western country, he would not have been sentenced to death, as that would have required the approval of all the seven judges.

The public also hated Bhutto for massively rigging the national elections. No one could believe that Bhutto could win with such a big majority with most people against him. But it became evident that he was not as popular as he had been led to believe by his minions. There were no protests when he was arrested, and no one came out on the streets when he was executed.

 

Will Israel kill Iran's Supreme Leader on July 3?

There's one thing about Zionists which can be said with absolute certainty and that is they love to kill other humans, even if there is no reason to do so. They've deliberately killed even ten day old babies, just for the fun of it. So there is every possibility that they will try to kill the new Supreme Leader of Iran on July 3 during the burial of his father and other victims. And if they succeed, all hell will break loose, and there is no telling what will happen.

The region will become a living hell, as Iran will not only attack Israel, but also its allies like the UAE, Bahrain and Kuwait. And it will do so with its entire arsenal. There will be another spike in oil prices, and inflation rate will go through the roof. Trump of course has no influence on the Zionists, who think they're the chosen people and are destined to rule over the world.

I hope better sense prevails and the Zionists are persuaded to drop all plans to kill anyone at the funeral.

 

Moon sighting controversy in Pakistan is nothing new

Published in Morning News on January 22, 1967

It was not surprising that your esteem newspaper reported the sighting of the moon in Karachi by five persons one of them being a retired army doctor. This writer knows at least three persons in my neighbourhood who claimed they did see it at the time. And the fact that it is supposed to have been on the horizon for nine minutes only (was calculated beforehand by astronomers) explains why only a few could perceive it that Wednesday evening. In any event, the extraordinary amount of time in which the moon was visible on Thursday evening should settle all doubts. It set after ninety-one minutes, whereas a first moon could occupy, at the most, eighty-three.

And what now? Surely there must be some way out of this dilemma. Perhaps the Egyptian calendar could be adopted. It is already in use in the UAR...Turkey and the countries of North Africa. Or perhaps some of the Ulema could be persuaded to learn the science of astronomy and be convinced that it is possible to predict accurately the appearance of the moon at any place. 

Indeed, it is the inflexible attitude of some of our Ulema which is responsible for the confusion. At the Friday prayers in a local mosque, one Mullah made the astonishing remark that the Red moon should be sighted by the naked eye alone, and such "scientific and technological" instruments as the telescope and binoculars should not be made use of. Using the same line of argument, one may easily claim that guns, planes and bombs should not be used in war, as these also are products of science and technology.

It is precisely this sort of intransigence which is bound to make the Ulema unpopular, at least with the intelligentsia, if not with the masses.

This is enough. We have already made ourselves ridiculous in the eyes of the world and other non-Muslim communities. Let us hope that this fact, if no other, influences our religious leaders and convince them of the need to reach an agreement with the Ruet-e-Eilal committee in future.

Shakir Lakhani

Karachi

Propagation of Urdu

 Published in Morning News on February 6, 1965

Mr. Mubarak Ali Siddiqi, an urdu author, who recently migrated to Pakistan, as per news report dated 20-1-1965, has pointed out that Urdu is being banished from India and it has a dark future over there. I think Mr. Siddiqui should have compared the conditions of Urdu prevailing in India with that in Pakistan before making his statement. I would invite the attention of your readers towards the proceedings of Anjaman-I-Taraqqi-Urdu (Hind) recently held at Jaipur under the Presidentship of a retired Hindu Judge Pandit Anand Narain Mulla Saahib who vehemently took up the case of Urdu with the Indian Government. At the same meeting Mr. Sukhadia, the Chief Minister of Rajasthan, declared in clear words that all important laws of his Government will be published in Urdu also and the replies to representations and other communications received in Urdu will be replied to in the same language.

May I give a brief history of the events held in the recent past in Pakistan. Mr. Akhtar Husain, a former Information Minister of Pakistan, speaking on the death anniversary of baba-i-Urdu, declared that the late Molvi Sahib had chosen the advancement of Urdu as his contribution to the struggle for Muslim renaissance, and that, according to Molvi Sahib, Urdu was a foundation on which the CULTURAL EDIFICE of the nation could be built. Our President has also pointed out that Urdu has fully safeguarded so far as our Constitution was concerned, I would also refer to the expression made by Altaf Gauhar, the present Information Secretary, who, while speaking on the occasion of the twentieth anniversary of  "Afkhar", was of the firm view that "Urdu was responsible for the establishment of Pakistan and, that all efforts should be made to adopt Urdu in every walk of life."

But it is an irony of fate that Radio Pakistan (working under the Information Secretary himself) is still victimising Urdu to the greatest possible extent. Its stations at Hyderabad, Peshawar and Quetta are allotting the lion's share to the respective regional languages and Urdu has been relegated to an insignificant position. Recently, the last two stations have introduced an extra channel, but there too, the overall planning is in the regional language.

I would appeal to the Information Secretary  to very kindly look into this deplorable state of affairs and at least by fulfilling his own commitment referred to above to ensure that Urdu which has been declared as one of the national languages get the rightful place in radio broadcasting. Will those concerned kindly clarify?

Shakir Lakhani

Karachi

Prediction with no meaning

Published in The News on November 12, 2005

This is with reference to Ms. Qudsia Parvez's letter 'Predictions with no meaning' (November 9) which is in response to my earlier letter under the same title. The fact is that most people in Pakistan believe in pre-destination, which is one reason why the country has not made much progress. The belief that everything that happens is pre-ordained causes men to continue smoking and die untimely deaths. Unfortunately, ZAB's massive nationalisation of education, followed by emphasis on religion rather than science in the Zia's days, has kept our masses virtually uninformed. One can only hope that the mass availability of news and scientific progarmmes on satellite channels will improve matters.

Shakir Lakhani

Karachi

Offensive Carcass

Published in Morning News on January 3, 1968

Between the localities of Gora Qabrastan and Nursery on the main Drigh Road, is situation a vast depression on either side of the road, which serves the community as a Nullah. 

A few yards away from the road, making a modest contribution to the general stink prevailing in the area, lies the carcass of a horse. It has been there for quite a few days now; and by some mysterious process, has managed to shift itself away from the central region of the Nullah, where it was first spotted, to its present position. I am not quite sure, but if the present state of indifference is maintained by the authorities for a few days, Mr. Ghauri's philosophical horse at Gora Qabrastan might come to hear of it, and decide to choose it for its final resting place. If that happens, it will not be long before the site gets popular with other four legged creatures, and the Nullah becomes a living hell for the residents in the vicinity, and a haven for evolutionists a million years hence.

Not being an evolutionist, but being a resident around the place, and also possessing a tremendous faith in the power of the printed word, I appeal to the proper authorities through your columns to remove the offensive dead animals and earn our deepest gratitude.

SHAKIR LAKHANI,

Karachi.

Iran's victory

Finally, some kind of deal or agreement is being signed by representatives of the US and Iran. From what we know so far, it's a shameful defeat for the sole superpower and a victory for Iran, definitely due to its leadership's courage. The US didn't get anything, while Iran will ultimately get whatever it wanted. The only concrete thing about the deal is that the Strait of Hormuz will be reopened (it was open before the war started). All other demands by Iran and the US will be considered later. Knowing US President Trump, if his party wins the mid-term elections in November, he will make the same mistake and bomb Iran again (for which the US will again pay dearly).

Trump was fooled by the Israelis into bombing Iran, thinking that once the Iranian Supreme Leader was killed, the people of Iran would rise in revolt and a new, pliant government would take over. That did not happen., even though the Supreme Leader was killed on the first day. Moreover, the US spent 100 billion dollars and lost fourteen men, with all their Middle East bases destroyed and many airplanes damaged or destroyed. 

The US should now realize that its ally Israel is not dependable and it should stop giving it the massive amount of aid it has done for the past seven decades.              

Iran, meanwhile, should go ahead and build nuclear weapons. That will deter Israel from routinely bombing neighboring countries and killing Palestinian Muslims and Christians.  

Penalising taxpayers

 Published in The News on June 27, 2006

As if the taxpayers didn't have enough problems, now the sales tax department personnel have been authorised to barge into any premises and seize records and do as they will. This is only going to make the honest taxpayers suffer bouts of insecurity and uncertainty. They will have sleepless nights if an error is detected in their books (even a minor clerical or accounting mistake), they can be fined heavily and even sent to prison. So what is new? The victims have always been those who have paid taxes regularly because they have records to show that they paid.

The department has the nerve to penalise those who refuse to register with the department, they are harassing those who made the mistake of obeying the law and registering voluntarily. And you can bet that nothing will happen to those worthy gentlemen who indulge in massive looting of the exchequer will always be treated like VVIPs, for they have close connections with those who matter in this so-called Islamic republic.

Shakir Lakhani

Karachi.