One of my favorite hobbies is speculating on how our
leaders react to events. From what I’ve read about what they’ve said in the
ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, I believe I know what their reaction and comments
were on the solar eclipse on the longest day of the year. This is of course a
piece of satire and should not be taken seriously!
Lady Minister in charge of climate change: “The total
solar eclipse has occurred in Pakistan after exactly 21 years and on the twenty
first day of the month. The credit for this of course goes to our dynamic,
young and dashing Dear Leader Imran Khsn (who is more energetic than most twenty one year
old men in the country). Without his efforts the “smart” solar eclipse would
never have taken place. As everyone knows, in a normal solar eclipse, it’s
difficult to convince people to stay indoors, but we arranged for the smart
solar eclipse to happen on a Sunday so that our people do not become victims of
the twenty one diseases that people get by venturing outdoors during an eclipse”.
Lady Health Minister of Punjab: “I have always said that the
people of Lahore are highly intelligent people, I know that they are not
“jahil”, like those in the rest of the country, so I was shocked to hear that
many of them were looking directly at the sun during the eclipse. We don’t have
enough eye clinics in the city to cope with the rush of visually impaired
people which we are sure to see in the coming days. So I have requested our
beloved Leader to arrange the next solar eclipse at night”.
The very learned Science and Technology Minister: “I have
developed an app to determine the date of the next solar eclipse so that our
people are prepared well in advance and don’t risk their health by venturing
out of their houses. Please note that the eclipse was arranged to take place on
the twenty first day of the month, so I am doing my best to reduce the fuel
consumption of helicopters to Rs. 21 per km of flying. I’m also asking my
ministry to do research on how to increase the fertility of our women to enable
them to have twenty one children without any problems”.
The Dear Leader Imran Khan: “As I expected, the opposition is playing
politics with our resounding success in arranging the “smart” solar eclipse. We
managed to do it despite the terrible corruption of previous governments. As
you can see, we arranged the total solar eclipse to occur in Sukkur (which is in
Sindh), so no one can say we are victimizing the ruling party in that province.
And whatever they say, I’m not going to spare those involved in the sugar and
flour scams, the petrol shortage scam, the medicine prices scam and all those
other scams that have come to my notice (or will soon be brought to my notice,
considering that those who oppose me are doing nothing but pointing out scams
happening in my tenure)”.
Minister for Communications: “Have you noticed that the
solar eclipse lasted 200 minutes or so? This proves the previous government
siphoned away 200 billion dollars which I’m determined to bring back to the
country before the next solar eclipse. And from now on any letter posted in
Karachi will not take more than twenty one days to reach its destination anywhere
in Pakistan”.
Prominent politician from Sindh: “We know why Sindh was
chosen to have a total solar eclipse. They knew that if they had arranged to
have it in Punjab, it would have lasted two hundred and twenty nine minutes, but
they are sadly mistaken if they think we’ll forget the two hundred and twenty
nine billion rupees they owe us”.
Punjab chief minister: “I always knew the previous
government was highly corrupt, but I didn’t know how much. Now I know. In the
last twenty one months that they were in power, they carried out twenty one trillion
scams, each scam worth twenty one trillion rupees. During our remaining four
years we shall do nothing but recover the entire amount that they have looted. (provided,
of course, if we are able to calculate how much is twenty one trillion
multiplied by twenty one trillion)”.
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