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The atmosphere in the conference room was tense. The great NaMo was incensed that the Indian cricket team had lost the final match of the Champions Trophy to arch-enemy Pakistan. Gathered around him were some of his ministers (or “mantris”), with glum faces and somber expressions.

NaMo (to Mantri no. 1): you always said that Pakistan would never win another world cup or trophy. How do you explain their victory, even though they were the team least likely to win, and India’s team was the hot favorite (as well as the current champions)?

Mantri No. 1: we’ve done our best to ensure that Pakistanis remain the outcasts of cricket. For the past few years, we’ve made sure they never played in the IPL, and we also refused to play with them lest they learn how to play well. Somehow they made it to the finals, even though they were number eight, below even Bangladesh. After we arranged the attack on the Sri Lankan team in Lahore, no team (except Zimbabwe) has visited Pakistan (which we have successfully managed to portray as a country which is teeming with terrorists).

NaMo (to Mantri no. 2): it was your job to arrange bomb blasts inside Pakistan. Why did you ignore their cricket stadiums? You should have got RAW to set fire to all their sports grounds so they wouldn’t be able to play any game, let alone cricket.

Mantri No. 2: I never thought they would bounce back, considering that RAW is carrying out bomb blasts almost every week in that country and our army keeps on firing daily at their civilians across the Line of Control. Yet their morale is high, which is inexplicable. I think it was some kind of black magic which helped them, and this did occur to me when Dhoni held the Pakistani captain’s kid in his arms. That must have something to do with our defeat.

NaMo (to Mantri No. 3): I have a strong feeling that some match fixing is involved. Why was Rameez Raja so confident that the final would be played between Pakistan and India, and that Pakistan would win?

Mantri No. 3: I’m sure no Indian player would take money to play badly.

NaMo: I’m not saying our team took money, it could have been the others, I’m referring to England, Sri Lankans and the South Africans, who lost their matches against the Musslas (I mean Pakistanis). It really hurts, after spending so much money to destabilize Pakistan, we lose to them. I wouldn’t have minded our team losing to the Australians or even Bangladesh, but this is something that will keep me awake for many nights. You have let me down, how will I be able to convince our voters that Pakistan is on the verge of collapse  due to our efforts?

Mantri No. 4: You can always tell the voters that we need another massive demonetization of our currency notes, to make sure that Pakistan is never able to win another cricket match. Indians are so gullible that they will have no choice but to agree.

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